how will I be able to comment “Ubuntu bad” in every thread and feel like a genius for not using “normie” distros?

1. Ubuntu Dash including Amazon ads not too long ago; it was not pretty, security-wise.
2. The whole fiasco behind Unity and Mir, and Canonical’s propensity to reinvent the wheel at home.
3. Snap. Anything [wait… wait… wait…] Snap.

That said this is usually fixed by upgrading it into Mint, and Mint is pretty much a “normie” distro, so you don’t need to go out of your way to install Gentoo or say “I use Arch BTW”.

EDIT: in other words there’s enough shit to throw at Ubuntu, we (people in general) don’t need to make it up like OP is doing.