IBM Software mandates in-office work for employees living within 50 miles
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The Register reports that IBM Software's Kareem Yusuf, senior VP for product management, and Dinesh Nirmal, senior VP for products, gave employees the bad news in an...

IBM Software mandates in-office work for employees living within 50 miles | “Software Executive Focals” will be laying down the law::undefined

    • wizardbeard@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
      2·
      1 year ago

      Even within the office you can waste so much more time with:

      • More small talk and banter!
      • Walking to and from meeting rooms stopping to chat with everyone on the route!
      • Who needs a large travel mug? Use the smallest coffee mug you can find to maximize trips to the break room coffee machine!
      • Don’t forget to chat with everyone you pass going to and from, you’ve got important team building and collaboration to encourage!
      • Whoops, I guess you must have forgotten how the break room coffee machine works with all that WFH time, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out if you just keep trying! Remember that many hands make light work, so assure any well meaning coworkers that you’ve totally got this. Improve those problem solving skills!
      • Wow, who left the break room in such a mess? Show everyone that you’re a real team player by meticulously cleaning it every time you use it! Cleanliness and personal health make for good company health!
      • You can easily multiply the time taken up by basic communication between teams by communicating something with a stop at one person’s desk, an IM to another person, a call to a third, and then finally a follow up email to all of them reiterating everything for a paper trail!
      • For bonus points you can maximize everyone’s time wasted instead of just your own by never even sending that paper trail follow up email, leaving every person involved in the group effort with a different incomplete understanding of what’s going on! You’ve got to encourage more interpersonal communication to help everyone become a stronger cohesive team!
      • Remember that every minor interuption to focus has been shown to cause a roughly 30 minute delay in regaining your previous focused efficiency levels! Just as someone is getting back into it, make sure to apologize for your previous interruption. I’m sure they’ll appreciate that you’re thinking of their productivity!

      It’s too easy to draw from all the BS I’ve seen from timewasters and idiots, shove it through a calculating cynic engineer-type mindset for maximizing inefficiency, and tie it up in a nice HR speak sacharine bow.

      Send help. I’m a sysadmin stuck on a project working close with HR. I don’t know if I can take another cheery “company culture” cliche.